Sigh…It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Let’s be honest, it’s been a rough couple of months. And I haven’t been a good Christian. I have been a not so great Jesus lover.
My job has been crazy. I randomly got sick one weekend. I have had migraines, panic attacks, and exhaustion. I have been happy, sad, emotional wrecked, on verge of breakdowns, mad, angry, and frustrated. Because I haven’t been trusting God. My impatience has gotten the best of me and I have thrown almost everything I know that is true about my Savior out the window.
I know in my mind that Jesus loves me and will work out everything according to His good and for His purpose. But my heart has been worrying away. What if what I want isn’t what He has for my life? What if what I think is Him speaking to me is just me making up some crap? What if His purpose looks bad to me and I just have to deal with this?
A bunch of worry that leads to a bunch of anxiety, due to my inability to just keep going, take it one day at a time while waiting on God and fully knowing (in my heart and my head) that God’s got this.
Yep, I have been a bad Christian lately. And a bad Christian starting out the Lenten Season.
Lent has become one of my favorite seasons. Just as advent is the waiting and preparing season for Jesus’ birth, Lent is the waiting and preparing season for Jesus’ death. It’s not as fun and joyous as Advent, but its different kind of joy. Joy in knowing that Jesus loved me so much that He came to die for me. Joy in knowing that the God I love is so powerful that He can raise the dead. But the not so fun part is that Lent sometimes brings suffering. Whether it be by my doing or His, I am easily reminded by the things that I need to repent from and that I want to do better. And I have been convicted almost every day that I need to repent from worrying and being impatient and I need to do better at trusting and waiting on God. My church is reading a devotional for Lent and every single day it has just slammed my heart and convicted me. I have been reading it aloud with my husband and always at the end we just look at each other and just sit there in silence. Because in reality, Jesus might as well just sat down beside us, and said “I have a parable to share with you,” and then said the exact words in the book. It’s been that applicable and very much God speaking clearly to us.
“Sovereign Lord, help us to trust You when things seem out of control.”
“Help us, gracious Lord, to be wise in our disciplines, to celebrate your new life, and to put to death all that detracts from it.”
“…help us to turn back from all that gets in the way of your rule in our lives”
Yes, Lord, I hear you. Yes Lord, help me to trust, to not worry, and to be patient while I wait.
But the beauty in all of this is grace. Yes, it’s been rough and I haven’t had this level of stress in my life in a long time. But as I have matured slowly in my relationship with the Lord, I have come to understand grace better and have accepted it better as well. Yes I am frustrated at myself for not trusting well but I’m not allowing myself to beat myself for it. I’m allowing His grace to cover me and asking Him to help me do a better job. And because of this, my relationship with Him has grown and its helping me to be less self-sufficient and more dependent on Him.
It still frustrates me that it takes suffering for me to get back on track, to realize that I need Him in the good and bad times. But I’m learning. And I think that’s all He really wants from me.