Still Learning

Sigh…It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Let’s be honest, it’s been a rough couple of months. And I haven’t been a good Christian. I have been a not so great Jesus lover.

My job has been crazy. I randomly got sick one weekend. I have had migraines, panic attacks, and exhaustion. I have been happy, sad, emotional wrecked, on verge of breakdowns, mad, angry, and frustrated. Because I haven’t been trusting God. My impatience has gotten the best of me and I have thrown almost everything I know that is true about my Savior out the window.

I know in my mind that Jesus loves me and will work out everything according to His good and for His purpose. But my heart has been worrying away. What if what I want isn’t what He has for my life? What if what I think is Him speaking to me is just me making up some crap? What if His purpose looks bad to me and I just have to deal with this?

A bunch of worry that leads to a bunch of anxiety, due to my inability to just keep going, take it one day at a time while waiting on God and fully knowing (in my heart and my head) that God’s got this.

Yep, I have been a bad Christian lately. And a bad Christian starting out the Lenten Season.

Lent has become one of my favorite seasons. Just as advent is the waiting and preparing season for Jesus’ birth, Lent is the waiting and preparing season for Jesus’ death. It’s not as fun and joyous as Advent, but its different kind of joy. Joy in knowing that Jesus loved me so much that He came to die for me. Joy in knowing that the God I love is so powerful that He can raise the dead. But the not so fun part is that Lent sometimes brings suffering. Whether it be by my doing or His, I am easily reminded by the things that I need to repent from and that I want to do better. And I have been convicted almost every day that I need to repent from worrying and being impatient and I need to do better at trusting and waiting on God. My church is reading a devotional for Lent and every single day it has just slammed my heart and convicted me. I have been reading it aloud with my husband and always at the end we just look at each other and just sit there in silence. Because in reality, Jesus might as well just sat down beside us, and said “I have a parable to share with you,” and then said the exact words in the book. It’s been that applicable and very much God speaking clearly to us.

“Sovereign Lord, help us to trust You when things seem out of control.”

“Help us, gracious Lord, to be wise in our disciplines, to celebrate your new life, and to put to death all that detracts from it.”

“…help us to turn back from all that gets in the way of your rule in our lives”

Yes, Lord, I hear you. Yes Lord, help me to trust, to not worry, and to be patient while I wait.

But the beauty in all of this is grace. Yes, it’s been rough and I haven’t had this level of stress in my life in a long time. But as I have matured slowly in my relationship with the Lord, I have come to understand grace better and have accepted it better as well. Yes I am frustrated at myself for not trusting well but I’m not allowing myself to beat myself for it. I’m allowing His grace to cover me and asking Him to help me do a better job. And because of this, my relationship with Him has grown and its helping me to be less self-sufficient and more dependent on Him.

It still frustrates me that it takes suffering for me to get back on track, to realize that I need Him in the good and bad times. But I’m learning. And I think that’s all He really wants from me.

felix culpa

I was jamming to some new tunes the other day and of course had to recommend them to my hubby. I said, “Go check out Kings Kaleidoscope,” and listed some of the songs that I liked the best, one being the song Felix Culpa. One of the things I love about my hubby, is that he will google anything that he doesn’t know and whenever anyone ask. So being his usually self, he tells me he googled the meaning of “Felix Culpa” since he didn’t know and really liked the definition. So since I didn’t know what it meant, I then googled it and was like…whoa…felix culpa

Here is what Wikipedia had to say…
“Felix culpa is a Latin phrase that comes from the words felix (meaning “happy,” “lucky,” or “blessed”) and culpa (meaning “fault” or “fall”)…..”
“The medieval theologian Thomas Aquinas cited this line when he explained how the principle that “God allows evils to happen in order to bring a greater good therefrom””
“The concept also occurs in Hebrew tradition in the Exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and is associated with God’s judgment. Although it is not a fall, the thinking goes that without their exile in the desert the Israelites would not have the joy of finding their promised land. With their suffering came the hope of victory and their life restored.”

Just let that marinate for a bit…

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about how she was learning from the mistakes in past relationships. Which made me remember that I randomly thought about what the point of me going through a really bad relationship was. Granted, I will fully admit that I was the one that stayed in it when God gave me many opportunities to leave and the mistakes I made in it I completely own up to. But when I had that thought a few weeks ago, I reluctantly came up with, “Well I guess it helped me not take for granted my husband and what a healthy relationship looks like.” To be honest, I sometimes get angry at God for not intervening sooner and radically removing me out of that relationship.

But after that conversation with her and reading about felix culpa and how God can bring good from bad and how the Israelites are always remembering and thanking God for their freedom from the Egyptians, I had to rethink my answer.

Maybe the relationship that caused me so much grief and pain and scars that I ended up in counseling is my felix culpa. It was after I ended the relationship that my relationship with Jesus really began. And like I said, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t appreciate my husband and his love for me and how God made it all work out if I hadn’t gone through something like that.

How small am I to think that I know better than God…that I would expect God to just bless me continuously and I would never take it for granted.

So I’m thankful for my felix culpa…my fortunate fall…God turning the mistakes in my life into a greater good.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for Your grace.

What’s your felix culpa?

Friday Fun!

Since it’s the Friday before the short week of Thanksgiving (can I get an amen to that?!?) I thought I would share some of the fun I have found in the past few weeks.

Bad Christian Podcast (Click Here!)

So I’m going to warn you…these guys don’t hold back, so take everything with a grain of salt. But they are absolutely hilarious and real which I just love about them. Two of them are from the band Emery and the other one used to be in but now is a pastor. So they love Jesus without being all Jesusy (I’m pretty sure that’s a word…right?!?) They have guests that they interview and talk about hard topics while being very real and truthful about them. And my favorite part is the news portion at the end of the show. They interviewed Lacey Sturm (who I mentioned in my last post) so that’s how I found them! So like I said …be prepared for some craziness and check them out!

John Crist (Click HERE)
So a friend of mine has a friend that knows this guy…yeah I know that sounds legit. Anyways he is a Christian and a comedian and has recently came out with a video about Christian Girls on Instagram. Hilarious! I just started following him on twitter and Instagram and have been greatly entertained. So check him out as well.

Thankful List
I want to challenge everyone to make a thankful list this weekend before the craziness of cooking and baking and football watching begins! That way you can reflect on it over the Thanksgiving week to remind you of how blessed you truly are. And if you are up for being super crafty you can make  A Thankful Tree! I found this on Pinterest and think its super cute. I’m just too lazy to make it this year haha…so maybe next year!

Have a happy “pre stuff yourself crazy and be so very thankful” weekend!!